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WOMEN
It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
MONEY & WORK
Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Half the people you know are below average. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein, it rejects it. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Two times in a man's life when he should never speculate is when he can't afford it and when he can. Nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American public. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. When everything is coming your way, you're probably on the wrong side of the street. If you can't afford to repair the brakes, make the horn louder.
SOCIAL LIFE
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Many men choose their clothes more carefully than their girlfriends. A psychic girlfriend will leave you before you've even met. A narcissist is some one better looking than you. A friend will never forgive the wrong he has done to you. Don't be humble, you're not that great. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Women and sausages - if you want to enjoy the result, don't watch the preparation. Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common enemy. All cruelty stems from weakness. It is an inappropriate response to have a headache in the presence of a miracle. The funny thing about miracles is that they actually happen. Many things seem more important when you're drunk
PHILOSOPHY
The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg. It is only possible to live "Happily Everafter" on a day to day basis. Death is Nature's way of saying "Howdy!" For 3 days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but emails and text messages continue for months. If men could get pregnant, birth control would be a "human right". Its better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.
